Monday, December 26, 2005

Hilarious Sidebar:

Okay, I know I lovingly promised details on the Chiefs game, and I know you are all just on tenterhooks to hear what I have to say about our much-maligned defense holding the highest-scoring offense in football to a mere seven points for an entire game...heh...but I have to veer off into an entirely different direction.

Last night, I watched what might be the best terrible movie ever made.

*allows moment of silence*

Yes, Dave and I became restless on that long Christmas day -- neither of us like Christmas much, so we weren't doing anything terribly fascinating -- and decided to go get some Chinese food and rent a movie or two.

Now, we both are cheesy B movie afficionados -- witness Black Cadillac and the terribly fun Jeepers Creepers II -- but I usually RENT them, while Dave usually BUYS them.

So, when he'd already picked out Romero's Land of the Dead to buy used, he apparently decided he was in the mood for a zombie flick night and picked up the unknown Undead, as well. I had my doubts, but hey, I'm game.

We watched Land of the Dead first. Nice. And then...Undead.

Now, this flick starts out just...bizarro. You get a lovely visual effects shot of a comet/asteroid impacting nothing and shattering into thousands of pieces, then heading straight toward Earth. And then? Well, a terrified-looking woman in a mortgage and loan office being smugly read the riot act -- in a smashing Australian accent -- about her responsibilities to her dead parents' estate, which is apparently more debt than farmland. Huh?

I admit, I was lost. We even watched it twice, just to be sure the DVD hadn't skipped. It hadn't.

Then, several admittedly well-done snapshots of the town of Berkeley that make you hope the meteorites hit the down dead-center. Heh. Luckily enough, they do. Right through a nice little ol' lady in her best Sunday dress. Woo-hoo!

Of course, she then stands up with a gaping hole through her mid-section and immediately sets out on the typical zombie quest -- the never-ending search for brains.

A few more people get skewered and turn into the walking dead, and then we're back to the poor already-terrified looking girl who has no idea that much more is wrong than the loss of her family farm. She and her gum-chewing idiot of a boyfriend are on their way out of town when they come to what looks like a car accident in the middle of the infamous short-cut. Boyfriend demands what kind of short-cut she's sent him on, then gets out to inspect the damage.

He gets bit. Of course. And before you can blink, he's a zombie and chasing after what we now realize is the heroine.

As the other "survivors" of the crash come after her, she taps into some here-to-fore unknown survivor ability in herself and splits one down the middle with The Club. Who knew The Club was so sharp? And just as her now undead boyfriend is about to get her, a triple-shotgun rig appears, all three barrels fire, and Mr. Chewing Gum goes scooting about twenty feet away in the dirt with three gaping holes in his chest.

I just about died laughing. I am SO not kidding.

Anyway, the shotty-toting guy ambles laconically away and, inexplicably, it starts to rain. No, it starts to rain acid. The heroine's clothes start smoking and she runs for the nearest shelter, which just so happens to be the shotty-toting guy's World of Weapons. Woo-hoo! Now that's my kinda guy!

Anyway, I won't do any more in-depth plot synopsis. For one thing, as funny as it would be, it wouldn't do the visual gags justice. Wah-hah! For another, it's not necessary to tell you what's so damn funny -- and bad -- about this flick. Let me give you just the bare necessities.

1) A cop that is damn near poetic with his use of the F word -- made better, of course, by the Australian accent. "Marion, you drop those guns or I'll fuckin finish you faster than a fuckin birthday cake at a fuckin fat girl's party!"

2) A flashback in which meteorite-stricken dead fish turn zombie and attack -- screamingly attack! -- the World of Weapons guy. "One day, you're just sittin in your boat and you're attacked by zombie fish." NO, you're NOT! Who does that happen to???

3) Hooded, glowing aliens whose purposes are not what they seem -- which is actually a pretty damn nifty twist that I wouldn't have seen coming if I hadn't been trying to figure it out -- and who apparenly have similar body issues as we do. Alien 1: "Put your clothes back on." Alien 2: *shrug* "I'm happy with my body."

4) Marion's endless supply of spring-loaded weaponry. I kid you not! Even after they've had to strip to the buff because of the acid rain eating through their clothes and find other garb to don, he flips up his brand-new slicker's tail and somehow throws out two more loaded pistols. One guy actually goes, "Where the hell were you hiding those!?" I had to laugh because that's exactly what I was thinking!

Oh, man, there is so much more that's just WRONG with this flick, but the directors/writers/editors/producers -- the Spierig brothers guessed it...Australia -- do such a good job of never taking it too seriously that you laugh your ass off instead of rolling your eyes too much. And damn if I couldn't wait to see the end. I never once thought about turning it off because it was so bad, and I have SO been tempted to do just that with other flicks.

So, all in all, this was an amusing romp of a flick if you're into B movie zombie flicks. If not, give it a wide berth, because I don't think you'll think it's as funny as I do. Hilarious stuff!

And if you don't believe me, just ask Dave. After the zombie fish attack flashback, he actually fell off the couch from laughing so hard. I shit you not! Bwahah!


At 6:48 PM, Blogger Tarnished Janus said...

Watching zombie movies on Christmas Day. Ha! Now that's my kind of girl!


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