Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dear Charlie:

Random blog attack...go!

So you know how you gear yourself up to make this monumental change in your life, and you're all preparing for it and then you're ready for it and then you do it and...

Nothing?

You set all the wheels in motion, so... why no go? I put my house -- the house I love, for good or ill, and feel comfortable in and feel is as much a home as any I grew up in -- on the market in October. It's March. The END of March.

I quit the old job. Put the house on the market. Sent out a legion of applications and résumés and hot-footed it to several different career possibilities to break out of the office rut. Sold a book (it'll come out in May and I do have cover art, but I'm having a disagreement with my website as to tables; I want them to work, and it doesn't).

I even... good God, I even applied for a job in Springfield, where I swore I'd never move.

I've made these significant changes in my life. So why, oh why, does it feel like nothing has changed? Why does it feel like nothing is happening? Like I'm floundering more than before?

My beloved sister once suggested it was because, while I'd put my home -- AKA, my security blanket -- on the market, I hadn't made quite a big enough leap. After analyzing that for a while, I applied for the Springfield job. I think that might have been a bigger leap than the house-on-the-market thing.

And still.

I'm not complaining, exactly. Definitely not ranting. I'm just... confused. Did I, as usual, miss some opportunity by a scant inch? Was some wonderful window of opportunity open just a second before I shut so many doors to better notice it, only to close when I finally got up the nerve?

Will I ever know?

Probably not. It just seems like time is running down even as it runs faster than ever, and yet nothing seems to be happening. I go to work and I sleep. I haven't written a word in longer than I'll admit to (though, like I said on Joely's blog, I feel something pushing and am just trying to get it all the way out). I'm trying to stay in touch with friends instead of hermiting, as I usually do when I'm not sure what to do but don't want to bother everyone with it.

And... though I can't put my finger on exactly why... I really want to get a dog. A big one. An inside/outside dog. God, I love dogs.

But I'm planning to get an apartment of some sort when/if the house sells, so I definitely can't get a dog. As you all know, I don't do small dogs, and no sane apartment manager would countenance a big one without an ungodly sum beforehand as a deposit. And I don't blame said land-person.

I guess I just felt, when I made the first of those big changes -- quitting the old job -- that once such a positive change happened, others would tumble along. Instead, I've had to make those changes myself, and I'm not sure all of them have been for the best, though I swear I tried to be rational and logical.

I'll just have to see, I guess.

Dammit.

Stupid rest of the world, taking its own time and not working things out for me in MY time instead of its. Sheesh! Where does Fate get off??


EDITED TO ADD: One less thing - I got my website to agree with my assessment of tables. Go check it out! My Gigolo: The Care and Feeding of a Male Prostitute on the Upcoming page! And I even got The Sweetest Kiss moved to the new Bookshelf page for stuff that's currently available. Holy crap! I am ON it tonight!

And now... totally time for bed.

3 Comments:

At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Pesh said...

Tables! Yaaay!

Anyhoo, just keep hanging in there. Make sure that you have evaluated what you really want and charge after it. I came across a quote this week: Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night. Don't ask me who said it, but it I'm making it my mantra.

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger Bulma16 said...

I hear what you're saying completely. This summer I planned on quitting my job and moving to Monterey with Americorps to teach kids to read. Got the interview, made all these plans, even looked at apartments and roommates...only to find out I didn't get the job.

It's a horrible feeling like the world's pulled the rug out from underneath you and suddenly you realize not everything works out even if you really want/need it to.

I have a feeling your job and house situations will work out for you eventually GB. The waiting game sucks but it's possible there's a good reason why those things aren't meant to have happened for you already; whether it's God/Fate/destiny/whatever power you believe in. Then again maybe I'm talking outta my arse, heh. Either way I'm praying for you *hugs*

 
At 3:43 AM, Blogger Zojojojo said...

Seems this year was a big one for a few of us.

I left university, and began the job search, an ugly and degrading process. I moved back home, and tried to deal with being apart from The Beloved (though only by 30 minutes). I changed dojos, which is hardcore because its pretty much swapping one family for another.

Everything's changed but it hasn't. I still continue writing though I no longer write polemic. (Everyone hates my polemic). So things change and they don't, and its all very confusing.

I hope things change the way you want them to, Neechan. You made the leap and paid it forward...it'll be rewarded, I'm sure.

 

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