Thursday, July 09, 2009

Dear Charlie:

You know, I've been promising myself this for a long time. Since I finally broke down and put in my notice at work today, I figure I could use a little hilarity on the day.


Remember when Pesh and I were talking about how awesome Hellboy 2: The Golden Army is and got to giggling about the idea of Prince Nuada trying to survive the "real" world?

Yeah. There's more. And I'm totally putting the saga in the sidebar and...who knows? I'll probably even add to it as time passes. It's too much fun not to.

Anyway, I was grousing about work (see a theme, here?) and made a comment, and Pesh responded, and it was all over but the crying.

So, without further ado, here is Chapter 1 (or maybe Chapters 1 and 2) of The Office Mercenary 2: The Golden Letter Opener.

Pesh, I blame you. Because I can. And you're totally bolded again.

You really need to go Office Mercenary on her and have Prince Nuada replace her. Can you imagine him trying to work with the kids?

Yes. Yes, I can. D*mmit.

Oh, the maiming there would be, and I'm not necessarily talking about the kids.

Considering he's fully capable of both patricide and...well, the female equivalent of fratricide, I'm pretty sure it'd be both parents AND kids getting the elfshot spearhead. *snerk*

Kid: Waaah! Mom wouldn't let me have a whole bag of cookies just before dinner, so I destroyed the house!

Nuada: *breathshudders*

Mom: You ate a whole bag of chips for lunch and a bag of chocolate chips not an hour later.

Nuada: You allowed him to do this? To desecrate his digestive tract in this fashion?

Mom: *shrugs* Can't stop him. He'll throw a fit and kick holes in the walls if I don't let him do what he wants.

Nuada: *pulls spear* You are the queen of this place. Your word is law.

Kid: I won't listen to her! I won't listen to you! *kicks*

Nuada: *chops off foot*


Nuada: *stabs*

Mom: Hey! Now he's gonna be madder than ever! My ears will go numb from his screaming! I'll call DMH on you!

Nuada: *stabs her, too*

Mom: Noooo! Now I can't get him his whole tub of ice cream for dessert! He'll be REALLY annoying, now!

Nuada: *slaughters until the walls are red*... *breathshudders*... *leaves*

And the fic begins to congeal... *wrings hands and dies laughing*

Wretched woman! *dies*

You love it and you know it.

There's such a thing as too much fun!

Not when it comes to writing!

Yeah-huh! Writing THAT is the bad kind of fun. *wibbles*

Naaaah! You're in denial.



Nuada: *gets back to the office*

Hellboy Boss: Uh, Elfboy?

Nuada: Leave me be.

HB: Can't do that, bucko. I see you've still got your spear strapped across your back.

Nuada: *shuddersigh* It goes where I go.

HB: Nuada, you can't take your spear on client visits anymore. I told you that.

Nuada: I go nowhere unarmed.

HB: Lemme see it.

Nuada: No.

HB: Don't make me pull rank, Elfboy. Gimme.

Nuada: *reluctantly gives it*

HB: ...Why is there blood on it?

Nuada: ...I have made the world a better place.

HB: *rolls eyes* You can't kill clients! How many times do I have to tell you! When I let you out of the mailroom, I told you you had to stop!

Nuada: *shuddersigh* I can't stop. I can never stop. You must kill me.

HB: Oh, God, not this again.

Nuada: *shuddersigh*

HB: Are you having a seizure?

Nuada: *shuddersigh* No. Return my weapon, demon, and leave me be.

HB: *grumbles and returns*

Nuada: I can never stop.

HB: Oh, shut up and write your notes. If you don't have them to Liz by 3:00, she'll burn the place down in a fury.

Nuada: As you wish.

HB: For the love of--

Nuada: *shuddersigh*

EDITED TO ADD: Oh, yeah. And here's a little Hellboy bug action for ya. Pesh kept requesting a Nuada bug, but I never got around to it. Maybe I will sometime.

Ain't he cute? I had SUCH a good time using the mantis eyes as his sawed-offs!


At 8:32 PM, Blogger Jenna said...

Did you really put in your notice??? If so, I am so happy for you! You deserve all of the happiness in the world! Miss ya much!! Jenna

At 9:09 PM, Blogger GutterBall said...

Yes, ma'am. I'm a little twitchy about finding another job in the current market, but I have three weeks to figure something out.

Scarier still, I'm pretty sure I'm putting the house up for sale and getting like a studio apartment with the utilities included. I could get that for the price of my mortgage alone and not have to mow the yard.

So I've totally attacked the living room and am throwing crap away. Only books and craftsy stuff has survived thus far.


At 12:18 AM, Blogger Bulma16 said...

I'm glad for you Geeb (yeah, understatement much?). I don't have the chutzpah to put my own notice in, but at least you got out!

As for you moving, that's a good thing right? At least you don't have to worry about that dodgy plumbing any more. And an all utilites included apartment= a winner in my book. Kudos all around!

At 7:23 AM, Blogger GutterBall said...

Well, we'll see if my chutzpah pays off. *grin* To be honest, I could probably land a job at BioLife tomorrow, and it would definitely pay better, but I'm pretty sure they'd want me in at like 5:00 AM... and that just ain't gonna work for me. Ugh.

As for the house, I think it's really the only thing I can do. I love my house, but it sometimes doesn't love me. If I can come out just a little bit ahead on it and get the whole utilities-paid thing, I won't be bad off at all, even if I have to go down a little in wages just to get a job fast.

*crosses fingers*

As for you, Miss Nemesis, you have my utmost sympathies. There really is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a job that takes advantage of you because there just isn't much else out there. Guh.


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