Thursday, July 02, 2009

Dear Charlie:

Have you ever played the Nightmare Casting game? Pesh and I do it all the time. It's loads of fun.

Just take your current favorite non-movie thing and pretend that FOX got ahold of it. Instant mental horror on a legendary scale. We did it for the DragonBall movie, and it's a toss-up which was worse: our picks or FOX's.


Anyway, the real irony is that we usually start with dream casting. You know what I mean. You're reading a book -- say...the Night Angel Trilogy, just for reference -- and you realize that this particular actor would make a better than decent Durzo Blint.

It's not that you think the Night Angel Trilogy would make such a mighty fine movie. Hell, I hope they never movie it because Hollywood tends to strip away everything about a book that makes it great (with rare exceptions like The Mist).

But still...if they were going to make a movie anyway....

So I was watching Hellboy II: The Golden Army again last night -- the forest god's death scene gets me every time -- and I got to thinking that Luke Goss (Pesh's imaginary love-bunny) would make a decent Durzo Blint. He has the speed and flexibility to play a wetboy, could manage the sarcasm necessary, and has good dramatic range.

So I mentioned it to Pesh today over e-mail. And then we played the Nightmare Casting game.

Heh. Here goes. WARNING: this probably won't be funny for anyone who hasn't read the books. And if you haven't read the books, shame on you. I'm seriously.

Pesh: Shoot, the movie would write itself. There's no need for a script. Especially when FOX casts Dwayne Johnson to play Kylar (from Guild Rat Azoth up). He can just run around killing things and raising an eyebrow.

Me: And they'd cast Sean William Scott (AKA Stiffler) in blackface as Jarl, and he'll run around shouting "Kakaw! Kakaw! K-k-k-kakaw!" while the Paris Hilton Elene says, "That's hot" and Bette Midler plays Momma K. *cries*

Wah! Now I can't turn it off!

And Hayden Christiansen as Logan. And John Goodman as Agon. And Brittany Spears as Jenine. And Sharon Stone as Ariel with Kathy Bates as Istarel. *cries more* And Lindsay Lohan as Vi! Noooooo!

Make it stop! Make it stop!

And Jason Statham as Dorian and Ron Perlman as Solon and Danny DeVito as Fier Cousat. And Thomas Jane as Lantano Garuwashi. And Paul Reubens as Garoth Ursuul. *winces* Or maybe Ben Stiller.

Pesh: Here I would have expected DeVito to play Momma K. Shows how much I know. *dies a little inside*

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!! And Justin Chatwin as Count Drake!

Pesh: *eyetwitch* You did NOT just go there.

Me: *weeps* I didn't want to! It just popped in there! *soul shrivels*

Pesh: *lops off an arm for the distraction*

Me: *can now play Kylar from the end of book 2 to a quarter through book 3*

Pesh: I'm on it! *spurts*

Me: Heh, you get to fight Thomas Jane in front of Ezra's Wood!

And Jackie Chan as the Wolf. Or Owen Wilson. Or both.

Pesh: Owen Wilson would be the Beast. Or Kaede.

Me: *cringes at image of Owen Wilson and Ron Perlman gettin it on*

Kim Bassinger (sp?) as Kaldrosa. *chokes* And David Duchovney as Tomman. And Alan Rickman as the ferali. No, as Gnasher. My bad.

Pesh: *dies a little more*

Me: Tom Cruise as Fin.

Pesh: Yes! *envisions Alan Rickman pulling Tom Cruise in half* Ah, good times...

Me: Amen, sister. Sometimes even Nightmare Casting yields gold. Now, who should we pick for Rat and Neph Dada? Hmmmm....

Well, I'd say Michael Jackson for rat, but that's kinda gone by the wayside. So I guess he could play Neph Dada. Just, ya know, prop up the corpse.

Pesh: It would be apt.

Me: I'd pick Janet Jackson to play Khali, but I'd be afraid of a wardrobe malfunction. Although I think Justin Timberlake would make an excellent Terah Graesin.

Pesh: Hmmmm, I almost said Justin would fit better as Khali, but I've decided that the Cajun guy from those political shows would be much better.

Me: Ha! But we still don't have a Rat/Roth.

Pesh: Chunk. Minus his conscience.

Me: Heh, I wonder if we could talk him into doing the Truffle Shuffle when Kylar/TheRock skewers him at the end?

Pesh: What a death throe that would be.

Me: And Cory Feldman has to be in the background somewhere, laughing.

Pesh: And wearing sunglasses.

Me: Dude, we got us a movie here. I bet it'd take down Transformers 2 for all-time gross.

Pesh: Especially if we add an exploding fish.


Admittedly, part of that is in-jokes that won't make sense, and again, some of it won't be funny if you don't know the characters. Also, keep in mind that we're not dissing these celebrities.


Okay, not all of them. Heh.

Anyway, the next time you're reading a novel or a comic book or a graphic novel, give the ol' Nightmare Casting game a try. Fun for all ages.

And it also has the added benefit of making the last day of a holiday week go MUCH faster. Sweeeeet.


At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Pesh said...

Ahh, good times. Good times.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger GutterBall said...

You know, after much thought -- yeah, can't just let things go -- I've decided that Luke Goss would be better dream-casted as Lantano Garuwashi than Durzo Blint.

I mean, can you imagine the breath-shudders as he tells Kylar that he cannot surrender, not because of his honor (considerable) or his pride (good gods), but because he literally has no sword to lay at the victor's feet? Oh, yeah.

He has the grace and the swordplay ability and even the look. Yeah, he'd OWN that part.

But that leaves poor Thomas Jane out of the Nightmare Casting loop. He might actually make a decent Durzo Blint, if he went after the blades training like he did the guns training for The Punisher.

So...Nightmare Casting for Durzo... hm... Bill Cosby? Arnold Schwarzenegger? John Travolta?


Oh, oh! Keanu Reeves! HA!

I dunno if that's Nightmare Casting or damn near inspired! Heheheh, if he plays it like Neo, oh, the horror! But if he tapped into Constantine....

A man whose faith has been slaughtered by knowledge? Whose sarcastic wit is honed to a lethal edge by bitterness?

That...has possibilities.

But it would probalby end up Travolta, and Durzo's garlic-chawing habit would probably end up less a nervous tic and more a flambouyant display of finger-splaying arrogance. *sigh*

Nightmare Casting, indeed.

At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Pesh said...

Try Randy Quaid.

At 3:05 PM, Blogger GutterBall said...

Holy crap.


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