Thursday, March 22, 2007

Funny Sidebar:

Apparently, Iran is upset about the movie 300. You know, the one I just drooled over in my last blog entry. The links above are only two of about a bazillion, give or take. Worse, people are even quibbling about how historically inaccurate the flick is and irritated at the liberties the filmmakers took in "rewriting" history.

Thus, it is important to keep one thing in mind, folks: this is a film loosely adapted from a graphic novel loosely adapted from history of a legendary battle.


So, in the interest of sheer amusement, let's look at everything that could possibly be wrong or morally insulting about the flick. Just for shits and giggles. If I miss anything, feel free to add 'em in the comments!

Well, the whole first act of the flick absolutely must go because it's child abuse and neglect. Imagine! Tossing a baby off a cliff because it's not perfect. Beating the chosen few and forcing them to fight from an early age. Hurting them until they're immune to pain. Stealing them from their mothers at a tender age and beating/starving/hurting them worse. Throwing them out into the elements with nothing but a loincloth and a spear.

The Department of Family Services would have a field day!

Then, there's Leonides himself. How dare he slaughter a helpless wolf by wedging it between a rock and stabbing it through the head! That's cruel and unusual punishment. God save us.

And in the same vein, very little is actually known about Leonides. They just made stuff up. What were they thinking? What is this...entertainment? And what was he thinking to kill a lowly messenger? Doesn't he know that that's just plain impolite, no matter how rude and encroaching that messenger may be?

Ah, but that messenger was Persian, so it's racism. Even worse. Egad.

Don't forget the Spartan disdain for its fellow Grecians. The Arcadians were basically a clean-up crew and disdained for being blacksmiths and potters and sculptors instead of soldiers. And the Athenians? Dismissed with a sneer as "boy lovers". Shameful.

And they cheered when the Persian boats crashed upon the rocks and were capsized by the raging sea. How rude! They should have been jumping in to rescue those poor souls!

Move on to the ruthless and heartless murder of those marauding innocents attacking in square-mile-spanning droves. The sinfully effecient strategy of forcing them to bottleneck proved far too effective. How many died? Barbaric, I tell you!

Geez, another slaughter of an innocent messenger. Deliberate insults to the opposing leader himself! As if kneeling were so darn hard. Anyone can do it. All it takes is broken knees.

And don't get me started on the merciless slaughter of animals. No less than two -- or was it three? -- elephants. A rhino. Who knows how many else?

Oh! And I forgot! The callous discarding of the "imperfect" warrior, simply because he couldn't lift his shield. Shameful! The entire rest of the group should have changed their tactics so this one hopeful could join their ranks. The poor man was so distraught that he wailed to the heavens. His subsequent defection is perfectly justifiable in light of this heinous treatment at the hands of his kinsmen.

The dastardly deception of the false submission. The continual racial slurs against the millions of opposing troops, including sneering of the well-earned term "the Immortals". The daring to avenge the few deaths by slaughtering the many.

Oh! I forgot again! The nudity! The adultry! The use of mind-altering drugs! Bribery! Disdain for the established procedures of government!

Anarchy, I tell you! It's unacceptable!

*falls over laughing*

And then we remember that it's just a movie and allow ourselves to admit that it kicks ever so much ass. We relax. We point and laugh at people who take everything too seriously.

Chill out, guys. It's entertainment. If it doesn't entertain you...don't watch it.

Leave the rest of us heathens to our grisly -- and imminently more enjoyable -- fates!


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