Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Dear Charlie:

Tonight, I fended off a monster.

I shit you not, it was Spawn from Hell. I defended myself and my abode with nothing more than a spray can of Spawn Killer and an old, floppy boot. If they still gave commendations, I would collect mine with pride and minstrelize the story for future generations to marvel over.

Okay, it was really just a spider, but the little bitch was nearly two inches in diameter, pulsing on the wall like a malevolent, disincorporated heartbeat less than two feet from where I innocently and unknowingly washed my hands. Then I saw it. And it saw me.

And it SMILED.

Of course, that could have been the extremity of my terror talking, but I'd swear it KNEW, it UNDERSTOOD that I was there. Little bastard. So, I hosed it down with top-of-the-line spider killer. Oh, sure, it dragged two of its legs around a little awkwardly, but it survived for a good five minutes before I realized this Hellspawn wasn't going down without some weaponry. Chemical warfare simply wouldn't cut it against this...this...CREATURE.

So, I picked up a trusty old work boot, took careful aim at its weakened, but far from incapacitated body, and...


The damn thing didn't even have the courtesy to splat. Two pounds of work boot, and it just kinda curled up and released a little bug juice. Egads. Monstrosity, I tell you.

At any rate, AFTER the evil was banished, Dave and his girlfriend showed up, and I proudly showed off my kill. Dave's enlightened reponse was, "Damn!"

Toldja it was big.

Of course, I wouldn't touch even the corpse with a ten foot pole, so poor Dave had to scoop it up in a paper towel and throw it away. *shrug* My courage only goes so far, and I think I exhausted all my resources by not screaming and pissing myself.


At 1:59 AM, Blogger none said...

Glad you got the monster. The Mad Hatter hates spiders. Ohhhhh. And poor Sir W found two baby snakes in his garage. I told him there was a negative side to lake property. Kids never listen to their SMART MOTHERS!

I am surprised you don't have a post on the Red Sox game tonight. I even got excited! I almost cried when they won! It was the most exciting thing I have seen in a long time via sports!

Then I watched the extended version of The Two Towers. I am dead, girl. I got to go to bed. I might get up by noon! HAHAHAHA!


At 5:20 AM, Blogger BG said...

You know, they say that you're really never more than 3 feet from a spider at any given time. And they all want to chew the skin between your toes. I'm just sayin...

At 6:42 AM, Blogger The Lizard Queen said...

Ach! I hate spiders, bugs. Nasty, hateful things! Okay, I'm overreacting. Oh, just wanted to say congrats on your new job as Staff Writer. I'm sorry I'm so late with it. Even now I'm typing like fiend because I'm running late for work!

At 10:20 AM, Blogger GutterBall said...

BG: You're an ass. *glares* If I have nightmares about that scenario, I'm sending you rotten fruit in the mail.

Jane: *sheepish* I don't watch much baseball. I'll watch the occasional game, and you'd think I'd be glued to such an old rivalry series between the Yanks and the BoSox, but I was...err...watching "PuppetMasters" last night. *twiddles thumbs*

I did, however, get to make a righteously funny joke that had everyone choking on their Smarties again! I hadn't seen PuppetMasters before, see, and I made a little quip about this being a great spin on the ol' "monkey on your back" comment, especially when they talked about the survivors having withdrawal symptoms. Then...well, they put the aliens on MONKEY backs, and I kinda cocked my head to one side and said, "Huh. Well there's an ironic twist. What's it called when a MONKEY has something on it's back?" *smirk*

LQ: There's no over-reacting to pure evil, adored LQ. The little bastards inspire the worst in us all.

At 5:35 PM, Blogger username said...

You poor baby!

At 5:37 PM, Blogger GutterBall said...

I know! *buries face in hands* *peeks thru fingers to see if anyone's falling for it*

At 10:45 PM, Blogger none said...

What about The Grudge this weekend. I hear it's scary! Who's going?

At 11:15 PM, Blogger GutterBall said...

I want to! I want to! *counts money in account*

Errr...maybe NEXT weekend.... *sheepish*


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